Renegade... Never Been Affraid

Im sitting here at my friends house thinking about how this year is going so far. Well, what to say? I feel like i just cant get ahead, like nothing i do will ever be good enough or get me far enough ahead. I want for so many things to go well, and the only thing going well is my school. Everything else falls apart. Well, is falling apart. Including me. It seems that every post in my journal is depressive, but the truth is that im not a depressive person. This is my vent. Whether or not anyone reads it or not doesnt make any difference. I feel better knowing that its there. Knowing that ive said what i needed to say. i just wish that there were things i could say to peoples faces. Telling people that i dont appreciate being used, that im scared shitless about alot of things and worry constantly about my future. Including my love life... why not start there? I havent got the slightest inkling of how i should feel for the guy im dating. I really like him alot, hes an amazing guy, but we havent got a clue as to what we are. Im going to a wedding with him tomorrow and im scared to see what ill be introduced as. Mostly because i know ill be crushed if im just a "date". But i guess im just as scared to ask... maybe because i dont even know if im ready to commit. I see all the people around me getting married and having kids... being successful as humans in careers that seem to be going well... am i ever going to have that promising job, with a family and someone to give my love to? The way things are going... not likely. Work... gee, thats one of te only things not stressing me out. I have an amazing job with amazing co-workers. My manager goes out of her way to accomodate my school and personal schedules (not that i have a personal agenda of any sort). But making minimum wage at a job in which i have been employed for almost a year and a half is like a slap in the face... Social life... god damn, Im lucky to see my friends at school. I see the guy im seeing once a week... the rest is spant stuffing my brain with knowledge... Im lost... im not entirely sure who i am or what i truly want. for now, ill just dive head first into something that be my undoing...

It seems as though I can’t win at anything. Especially relationships. Almost doesn’t count and it certainly isn’t painless. But I guess that I should have seen it coming. After being out of the game for more than 2 years, I can hear Don Cherry’s voice ringing in my head, saying that I should just retire before starting. Go back to the minor leagues. Nights spent alone, working through emotional issues that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Days spent trying not to look down in front of friends and hours spent burying wasted hopes in textbooks about other peoples past mistakes. As if on cue, when things start to go well, the rain cloud called stress swoops in and ruins EVERYTHING. I can honestly say that I haven’t been so happily depressed in years. That still isn’t saying much. I still feel alone, and for all intent and purpose I am. Maybe it’s me that’s afraid to show any commitment, or maybe it is okay to group all men into the category of blissfully ignorant. Somehow I think life would be better if I was blissfully ignorant. So I met this amazing guy right? I’ve been thinking to myself, “where the hell have you been for the past 2 years?” Loves hockey, funny, smart, caring and understanding, and what's more is that he doesn’t care that I’m younger, stressed and unsure of a lot of things. Stupid me. Thinking that I could possibly ever be happy. Thinking that the tears would stop now for some guy. I wanted so badly to step into something and remember what it felt like to be in love… only I’m not. At least I can’t possibly see how that would at all be possible. I’ve never been so miserable in my entire life. And it’s not his fault. I thought that I remembered how to date…how to take it easy and slow and grow and learn but god, when was the last time I did that… 3 years ago? I was wrong. Wrong to think that the permanent tattoo on my forehead could be changed from its current fuck off in capitals. I'm pretty traditional. I like to know where I stand in a relationship. Why get to know someone who really has no intent of making anything work past screwing around. This is a rhetorical question… there is no point. I don’t want or need another amazing friend. I want someone to feel secure with. I want to be 17 again. But since that isn’t going to happen in this lifetime, I just wish that it were easier to cope. With stress, with being alone, with being lonely. Silly dork, happiness is for the ignorant.

Its truly amazing the things you find in your room when you plan to throw out all the old cosmos and replace them with magazines in foreign languages. Especially when you find more than you bargained to find... and then get nosy and read through the old letters and cards. And then remember all that crap you were trying to forget. 4 Years... i hoped that it wouldnt be this way this time... i hoped that maybe, like others, i could move forward and stop hurting. But i havent. I put on a face. I thought that nobody would ever know. But now the world knows. I cant lie anymore about how "happy" i am. Well, i am happy... when it comes to family, school, work, and my free time. Its just impossible to convince my brain that ... i dont know... maybe i havent figured out what to teach it. I thought that like my room.. a coat of new paint and a new look might change the actual structure... it doesnt. It just makes it easier to avoid all the real feelings. All the crap you want to forget about when you thought the world was perfect. When you thought life was perfect. When you thought you were perfectly happy... and you were. But instead... i sit at home most nights trying to push out the memories of my life by avoiding places that trigger that pain. Its easier for most... they move on and forget those that cant. Sadly, ive tried everything. I thought i had it beat. But ive spent 2 years trying to drown myself in school and work... neglected friends and most importantly, myself.

Well... ive been back from Spain for about 2 weeks now, and i just havent been in the mood to write. Spain was absolutely amazing. I met some wicked people and learned alot about Spain and the language. My family was absolutely awesome. I really hope that they come to visit here sometime and that i can see them again. I went all across the country and snapped more than 500 pictures of everything from the waves to the birds and the architecture. Its like a whole different world from Canada. It was well worth being in debt up to my eyebrows! I can hardly wait to see if i get a chance to go back next year, i already have my spots picked out to visit!

Well, its down to the final crunch for assignments, which i should be doing now. Well i sort of am :P... I guess its not really a big deal, well it is, but its not hard to get this stuff done. Im so excited about Spain. I have my passport stuff on the go, waiting for my course to be added to the intersession list, so i can get my loan, then buying tickets and all that jazz. I cant wait!... im looking into funding and all of this nice stuff. Its going to be the most amazing trip of all time. We are going to visit about 5 or 6 different countries that i know about for sure... France, England, Italy, Portugal, Spain and Germany. WOW... lol. I am so psyched that it is hard to write papers about Irish and Islamic history or care about the classroom structure and observations. Seems so trivial!!

I found out that i am really going to spain for real this may... I am so exicted that i am sitting here listening to the BBC news in Spanish on the computer... i get most of it... I CANT WAIT!!! Maybe ill fall in love with Europe and know where i want to go for my graduate schooling... i would love more than anything to go over to europe for schooling. (they talk really fast!) All of the girls going with are really excited too... i think im about the least traveled of the entire group. Most of them have been to Europe or other parts of the world... ive been as far a florida and calgary... ohhh ah... who cares. I get to go over there for 7 weeks... im staying a few extra days and arriving a few days early... i want to travel Madrid and Avila before my course starts... and its cheaper to fly then... lol. WOW... only a few more weeks!!! Check back in a few weeks and ill be packing!!!

Well...ever since mom found out that i have been talking to dad its been "inside jokes" behind my back, rude comments and even worse treatment... silly me for thinking that she might actually be happy for me. Of course that would require her to actually be happy for me. What was i thinking?! Anyway, only a few more weeks in school then im heading to my grandparents house for a bit, speaking of which, i should call and see how my grandfather is feeling. I just needed a chance to vent... i feel better now.

I dont think that it is ever truly possible to sum up the feelings you have for someone that would have given you the last cent in their pocket, gone out of their way to cheer you up, or simply stopped to tell you how much you are loved. It always seems that these amazing people leave our lives too quickly. In fact, they may leave our material world far too soon, but they remain part of who we are and why we are. I want to tell you about the most amazing person i have ever met. Adopted, oppressed and often abused, Shawna was my hero. She fell through the cracks... in a good way. There was always a notion that something positive could come from any situation... and she was right most of the time. She gave everything to others and never asked for a single thing in return. She was encouraging, inspirational and incredible... and she still is. She has not disappeared, at least not in my life. She lives in my heart, and watches over me when i need something to pick me up. She died a year ago today in a car accident. And she will always be remembered with a smile on her face and love in her heart. And she will always be missed. Losing such an amazing person changed my life. I used to think that my problems were unsolvable. I used to be selfish, testy and stressed to the point of blaming those i loved. I have learned since that you have one life, one chance, one impression. I have learned that i need to love people before they will love me. I have learned that i need to love myself. I have learned self-respect, determination and the value of a smile. So do me a favor, pass it on. It means more than a smile, it means changing someones day... or in some cases it means changing someones life. I dont think that it is truly possible to find the right words, but its not about the words. Its about the impact of actions.

Well, ive decided to do the stupid thing and try 6 courses this semester. Go figure. We'll see how this goes. As for a social life, what social life? I have got a massive amount of work to be doing ad instead im making a post. Again, Go figure... History... dumb choice. Too much work. Don't get me wrong... i love the content. I love the writing. I love it all, but it takes too damn long! Anyway, back to doing that which consumes me. History.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did 

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery 

I will not break the way you did 

You fell so hard 

I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far 

Because of you 

I never stray too far from the sidewalk 

Because of you 

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt 

Because of you 

I find it hard to trust 

Not only me, but everyone around me 

Because of you 

I am afraid 

I lose my way 

And it's not too long before you point it out 

I cannot cry 

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes 

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life 

My heart can't possibly break 

When it wasn't even whole to start with 

Because of you 

I never stray too far from the sidewalk 

Because of you 

I learned to play on the safe side 

So I don't get hurt 

Because of you 

I find it hard to trust 

Not only me, but everyone around me 

Because of you 

I am afraid 

I watched you die 

I heard you cry

Every night in your sleep 

I was so young 

You should have known better than to lean on me 

You never thought of anyone else 

You just saw your pain 

And now I cry 

In the middle of the night 

For the same damn thing

Because of you 

I never stray too far from the sidewalk 

Because of you 

I learned to play on the safe side 

So I don't get hurt 

Because of you 

I tried my hardest just to forget everything 

Because of you 

I don't know how to let anyone else in 

Because of you 

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty 

Because of you 

I am afraid 

Because of you

Because of you

 

I find it hard to believe that you can love someone and shatter their lives so badly at the same time… I find it hard to believe that they can convince themselves that they are the ones that have been betrayed.  You took everything you could have from me and left without saying goodbye… in fact you tried to make me look like a pathologically lying slut.  If you think I have been the one to shun you, you should think again.  I love the people that I love in my life because faults or not, they have been there to support me no matter what the cost.  I used to think that you stood at that same level, but not anymore.  At one point I was naïve enough to believe that you were my father not because you had to be, but because you were proud of me, that you chose to be.  Not anymore.  It’s a burden for you, isn’t it?  To just sit there and have to get all of you’re information from other people, to not know what I’m doing or why.  It must hurt you to know that I don’t care about your stupid games or the fact that you don’t care. 

 

How can you love someone and not care enough to admit that you might be part of the reason that you don’t talk?  Obviously you don’t.  Big accusations… I know, I’ve heard it all before.  You choose to believe that I walked away from you, but as I recall, you called me everything under the sun when it was convenient for you… and the court even has a record of your slander.  Not to mention that you made Barb break the law and give you a copy of my release form… good thing I didn’t learn from you and sue everyone.  Yeah, there are a lot of things that I know that you did… but I guess you were betting on me being a stupid naïve child… I guess you thought wrong.  Don’t leave messages on my blog about how I walked out of your life and left you with nothing… You hurt me more than I ever thought possible… I live my life and I’m not ashamed to be who I am.  I screwed up a few times, not because you couldn’t protect me, but because you didn’t care enough about actually helping as much as protecting YOUR SORRY reputation.  You need to learn that what other people think is not life, but living it is what really matters.  You’re stuck here, you should believe as a devout Christian, until god needs you in Heaven. 

 

I’m not scared of what you have to say about me… in fact I could care less.  But when you are ready to grow up and be the father you used to be, I’ll be waiting. 

Well, i guess i never thought it would get here! Ahh, some people hate the thought of going back to school.... unless you're a complete nerd like me of course and you totally look to it as your escape... anyway, i cant wait to start the new year off... only 3 more to go! All of my courses look kick-ass and i have some awesome friends that without i probably would be twiddling my thumbs... well more like typing frantically to keep up with the profs to take perfect notes... that is after all what im all about... ScArY!!! But sooo true. I guess ive accepted that honours is going to be hell... especially history honours, and im also sure that my eyes are going to want to fall out of their sockets from the amount of reading i will be doing!!! But hey, thats what im here for! Another year, along with all of my amazing friends! I cant wait til FRIDAY!!!

There was a time when i used to think that things couldn't get better, then there was a time when i didnt think that they could get worse. I just wish that i could say things were working out. I know that it seems as if its ungrateful, mainly because i have a family, a house, and food to eat, i just have alot of things to deal with... and well.. no i dont want you to go...

I know that its not like you have the choice, and i doubt you ever read these things... silly of me to assume that huh? I almost wish that we could have made dinner and a movie exciting, but i may never know now. Foolish of me to be listening to You and Me OVER AND OVER... foolish of me to assume that you'd ever fall for me the way that i made that sort of connection with you. Truth is, i dont know what it is about you, but i never want to stop talking to you. I cant put my finger on what it is that is making me feel like im falling in love all over again, when i know you're leaving... when i know that you HAVE to go... You shouldnt have showed me that house, shouldnt have been so kind...well you shouldnt have made me so damn happy... cuz now its breaking my heart...

I dont know how many times i have told myself that inevitably... you're walking away and moving out of my "life". Of course, id love to find a way to make you see the way that i feel and somehow make you feel that same way, but you're returning to your life, the one that you have worked so hard to maintain so far from the center of it all... I guess that maybe its too bold for me to be trying to step in, after all, id hate to be a home wrecker... if that is at all possible in this time of change. maybe its because i never could figure out just what makes you so different... all those geeky conversations about alien love children and sending flowers to my mom over my ":P behaviour"... you're different... from everything, from everyone. I guess i feel at home talking to you... somehow, you are the most amazing person this side of the country... and youre about to become the most amazing one in te country come the end of next month... ill sure miss havin you around... i thought too much. I always do

Okay, so im a loser... another night at home, reading my textbooks like the true nerd that i am. Trying to hang on to my sanity for all its worth, which these days doesnt seem to be worth much... Just when i think ive finally met someone that might be worth giving a shot... he's going away... far far away. Fate hates me so much... it really does. Just when i think that things might change... ahh what the hell... i mean really... i wasnt REALLY thinking that things could get better. I was just kidding myself! I guess im just destined to be single forever...

WOW!!! This weekend was awesome... except the falling asleep at the beach part...that SUCKS!!! But other than that, it was wicked to have most of the gang together. We took so many pictures, and played soo many drinking games. And the chipmunck... and OMFG... SMORTIES!!! HAHA, remember those, guys? It was awesome on saturday night tho... hahaha ... and the dip and licking off Queen tit's fingers!!! "Why am i licking off your fingers?"... "i dunno but your tongue ring is cool!" LMAO!!!! (Crazy Kat and her drunken nicknames!!) Ohh so many pictures for the ol' scrapbook eh guys!? And the cookies, and the chips and soo much drinking!!! Poor Tim... spiced rum is a BAD THING!!! How bout that almost shower... eh eh :wink: HAHA... oh wow... only 5 more weeks til we do it again eh guys!?!?!?!?

Well after the night that i have had... I pray that there is someone out there keeping an eye on me and most importantly my lil bro. I cant bear to see him in pain, i cring at the thought that something is wrong with my baby... im not a religious person, but someone out there heard my prayers... my dispair. What would I do without you? I dont ever want to have to think about that, i love you too much. Ive never wanted something to be okay more than seeing you happy and healthy. Ive never been more relieved to hear that the doctors didnt screw up this time. You're precious, no matter what anyone says, no matter how they treat you, you are still my favorite little man.

Well, last night was one of the greatest nights EVER... 83 dollars for tickets, 65 for gas and 700 kilometers later... CCR WAS AMAZING. I had such an amazing time... all the people... god, and seeing them on stage in front of me... IT WAS SOOO AWESOME!!!! It's hard to describe, but it was just incredible... I was freaking out when they came out, trying to see with all of my short glory :P FRIGGING AMAZING!!! I wish i could go again tonight, because it was just... it blew my mind... there is no band better than CCR!!!!!!

So... whats new? With me? Not a damn thing. I went to the Tattoo in Halifax with my grandparents, had a blast! Went to see charlie and the chocolate factory... laughed soo hard i almost cried... still single... and im not sure that i care now anymore. Apparently i've now turned my jounnal into a website... go figure :roll: Life still sucks hardcore, i havent gotten ahead and i think im falling backwards. Screw it... i just dont seem to care anymore. If it weren't for the CCR concert in 5 days, and my grandparents and my daughter... id be jumping off a building... not like many people would notice. What is it that i'm missing? There has to be something. Maybe not, knowing the shit ive dealt with this past year. Yeah. yeah... there she goes ranting. She has it soo good that insane bitch... had. I had it good. Once upon a time... haha. Yeah, im in a bad mood. A VERY BAD MOOD. Im going to make model cars for fun, and rea my book about death. Sounds good huh...

I've cried because I had my heart broken a few times in my lifetime... but i got over that. I've cried because there are certain people in life you should be able to trust with your secrets and your life, but somehow they manage to be the reason you distrust so many people in the first place... but ive gotten over that, too. And suddenly, i'm crying because there is someone out there that is treating me better than anyone has ever... well close to ever... treated me in my life. Being called beautiful every time someone talks to you, having someone ask you if they can call you... it's all too much... in a good way. I just don't know how to handle having someone look so forward to emails... to sound sooo excited to hear from me and to be so thrilled to get phone calls from me. I know i've been cared about this much, but it might be the way you express it that has caught me off guard.

Yo asked me in an email if i could ever live on a farm... and i cried. Every time you tell me im beautiful... every time you reassure me that i am a wonderful person...every time. Something about you... but i can't help but worry, because everyone who has ever befriended me or dated me has been this nice in the beginning... im scared that something is going to make my heart break again, and i pray it isnt you. I want to believe that there is a happily ever after in this... but somehow... my mind is saying no.

I need to go to sleep and stop worrying so much.. im just really hoping that this works out...

Well, its been a VERY long week... but it started out so nicely... spending time with my grandparents and relaxing so nicely away from work and away from all the things i choose not to deal with when I go to visit them. Ive worked about 26 hours this week, which isnt seemingly lots, but it is for me. I love my new job, it's nice to have people you trust working with you... when you can trust them to have your back in any situation, then you never worry about them stabbing you in the back. Its also nice to be able to lean on them when things get rough.

This weekend is going to rock... stagette parties, visits from friends in oromocto, and mexi's margaritas... SOOOO ADDICTIVE!!! It's been a while since I have been able to spend good time with my friends, so this weekend will be that if nothing else. It's great having my best friend here to spend more time with. But the internet and MSN are being STUPID... so I will have more to say once the weekend is over!!! :D

So i got a new job, a new life and some new friends. I got rid of the people and the things that were bothering me the most, and I've sort of come to grips with the things that other people say and feel... i just dont care about some of it. I get my weekends off for the most part, ive got lots of people to go clubbing with, and sooner than later, ill have money to go out and party hearty!!

My aunt is giving me a bunch of stuff that my grandfather sent her from Korea in the 50's... it's amazing what things you didnt know existed suddenly mean to you! I guess that sort of ties in with the people I've met, because I've met some really nice ones, and although i've been sick lately... i'm trying my best to keep up with all the replies I'm getting. It's overwhelming how many nice guys that are lurking in the shadows... and maybe some of you know who im talking about!! Its been nice to feel beautiful and to have the confidence to start showing that I am. Now if i could kick about 30 pounds and be the size I was in grade 9 i'd be all set!

Having a job, feeling sexy and starting to look it too... It's amazing how some things in life can change everything you thought you knew... and as bad as it seems once, all things balance out and.. ahh shit... im not going to be all philosopher on you guys... but its wonderful to dig yourself out of the grave and finally feel more alive than you have in your whole lifetime combined!

You guys are amazing...those of you who have held my hand (figuratively and literally) throughout all this crap, and now that i finally see an end to it all, I have to thank you guys for everything... so THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR MAKING MY LIFE EASIER!!!! I love you guys sooooo much!

Well... so much for Boston... but i guess that Nicky's is still on the menu for tonight. I cant seem to figure out what to wear, considering its like hades outside (not that im complaining) and im picky to begin with about what i wear. I cant wait to get some new summer clothes, so i can look good all the time.. LMAO!!!:roll:

I cant wait to get out of here for a few days, getting the new bathing suit, gearing up and hit the beaches!!! God i love summer! I will be the only weekend I get this summer to escape the hell that is my life... actually, my life isnt that bad, I just wish some things were different. Regret nothing right? I cant help but regret alot of things that have been done, and not just by me, but by others...namely (not naming names) the people that have hurt me most. I dont have to say names, cuz you know who you are... and you really dont care. So why should i care about you? Unfortunately, im too nice not to... bitch my ass...

Im not bitter tho, I cant wait to go out with my gang tonight and enjoy the weekday bar scene... and if they play good music, all is forgiven for tonight!

So... ive been invited out sooo much this weekend! I have been waiting for this and im so tired from being sick that im worn out and can barely even imagine this next week being normal... Tomorrow, a bunch of us are going out to celebrate a friend's late birthday at the clubs, which should be interesting since im not drinking...then Friday i have a house party that this really nice guy invited me to... but im nervous, and im not sure if ill go or not... Jai is moving back Saturday, which is AWESOME... and i might go meet the guy who asked me to go out friday when Jai can come with me... then sunday, i have a baby shower and another shindig to do... And monday i might hang out with another guy ive been talking to... although i dont seem to like him as much. He barely talks to me online and keeps ignoring me... I cant wait to get out to the beaches... and PEI is going to KICK ass, like it always does, but this time... ITS JUST US FROM OUR GANG!!!

I have to go watch Crossing Jordan (addicted!!) and die because i still feel alot like crap... and im going to go worry about my insignificant issues now...since i seem to be the only person who cares.. oh wait...almost everyone does. At least those that matter do.

So... let me clear this up for you. Im tired of all this shit, im tired of being downsized... but most of all, im tired of hearing that my issues are too small to matter, to insignificant to pile up... BULLSHIT. Ive done nothing but try to help others, try to make them realize that they are worth the air that they breathe, that they are appreciated... and apparently im an insane bitch now. You wanna talk about insane? Well, its not me who pops E whenever i cant deal with life, its not me that pretends like im so hard done by because i made mistakes in life... my issues cant be changed, they cant be controlled, and the ones that can, i suck them up and act like everything is fine. I deal with them on MY time... And you wanna see tears... i cry every night because of what ive been through this year, and you are the only person that can make me so mad that i cry, you are the only person that can put me down and make me upset. if im insane then what are you? You hide everything, you pretend like its all okay, you act like you own the world and everyone in it lately, and im sick of being called down because you're on a anger trip.

This is my journal, if you dont like it, too bad. Dont read it. If you want to keep up with my life, then go ahead... but dont get mad when you reaad something you dont like... its a private journal that my FRIENDS read. If you're not willing to be one, then stop reading. But dont call me insane because I care about you or anyone else... Because it makes you look like the crazy one.

:D Well, its my friends Bday today, and we are going to rock it out tonight at Boston Pizza then we are going to the bars for a round of craziness. Im not normally a big fan of bars, but what the hell, i have nothing better to do tonight, so i guess that spending some time getting to know some drunken guys could be a good alternative to watching hours of old CSI reruns on Spike TV and doing homework for next semester so i can keep my head above the water... so to speak.

This week was going to be hell because I was supposed to do this variety show that i didnt know about, then i was supposed to go practice, and then go to te show... but they cancelled it, so now I have to get into the grad for Shawna some other way. But now i can go out tonight and not worry about tomorrow... just have fun with my chickies and kick some dancig tail, even though im not sure im a good dancer at al... but hell, all the people there will be drunk, so i guess it doesnt matter much huh?!! And who knows, maybe ill meet someone sensible tonight, get out of this single slump and get on with life...